So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

War of the Worlds

Finally, the famous "War of the Worlds". Can't remember much of it's story, except some mild memories of squid looking monsters terrorizing streets of some city ... I think I've watched the cartoon version of it when I was a kid.

Nevermind that. I watched the movie version yesterday in Megascreen™ and awesome sound effects. So, what do I think of it? Because it's a Steven Spielberg movie, I would say the movie is a flop. I had put up a high expectation of it ... and was literally filled with disappointment when the movie ended. As simple as that.

Details (spoiler alert):

As you all may have already known, this movie is all about some aliens from Mars trying to take over our planet. Story focuses on the adventure of a crane operator (Tom Cruise) and his kids surviving through the entire 'invasion' - which was pre-planned millions of years ago by the aliens.

How did they do it? By burying their 3 legged spaceships (called "tripods") underground before the dawn of civilization ... and reactivate it back to obliterate the whole world when Tom Cruise was about to have a bad time with his teenage son in the 21st century. Sounds like an awesome plot, isn't it? Well, I don't think so.

I was thinking, if they're planning for an invasion, or extermination of mankind, wouldn't it be more easier for them aliens to annihilate the human race while we're still dwelling in caves thousands of years ago ? But no. Instead, they'll wait till we have all the gadgets to trash them... and took the trouble to jam our electronics before rising up from the ground to wreak all havoc upon mankind. That's smart...

Some part of the movie reminded of "Independence Day" - you know, the aliens appearing out of nowhere in America thrilling everyone. Just when they (Americans) were gaping by the prowess of their awesomeness, then wham... the aliens started to mow everyone down with their plasma/sonic/whatever weapons. I have to admit, that part of the movie was kinda fun to watch. It gives me the feeling that the world's gonna end... though it's only occurring at some ghetto neighborhood somewhere around America (no high rise building, no nothing).

Come think of it, why do the aliens like to cause troubles only in America? (and oversized mutated monsters in Tokyo) ? Why wouldn't that happen in somewhere around places like South Auckland... or perhaps, K-Rd in the city? Sheesh.

And when Tom Cruise discovered that he's in deep hitch, he quickly bailed his neighborhood to seek refuge at somewhere safer - his ex mother-in-law's house in Boston. (he probably thinks that his mother-in-law is nastier than the aliens). Talking about aliens, I've noticed that the word "alien" was not being mentioned even once in this movie ... as if everyone's trying hard not to say the magic word. Like when Tom's teenage son actually asked him where did those "things" come from? He can only answer him as they're something from "somewhere"... to which, his unintelligent son thought he meant Europe.

I was thinking, why can't he just say - "THOSE ARE ALIENS FROM THE OUTER SPACE YOU DOLT!!!!”

So, the tripods would go around toasting everyone and picking up housewives with it's tentacles and imprison them for snacks later. Not much battle scenes, but a lot of scenes of those tripods going around causing destruction. Unlike "Independence Day", there isn't a feel of unity at all here, nor there was any ridiculous heroic tales to tell about. Oh, except the scene where Tom Cruise actually stuff up a couple grenades into the puckering sphincter of the tripod... causing it to puke and then explode with diarrhea before dying off.

Just when I started to wonder if the movie has enough time to get to a good ending ... suddenly, all the tripods started to move awkwardly and die off... Some, who still stood, would suddenly lose its shield and eventually end up getting shot by human soldiers. That's when the credit rolled out telling the audience that the aliens had died off due to their lack of immune against the microorganism existed in our atmosphere ... and the invasion failed. We won.

I was like "WHAT THE!? THE ALIENS ACTUALLY GOT AIDS AND LOSE THE BATTLE??” As odd as it may have already sound, the intelligent aliens that's already capable of building spaceships millions of years ago, doesn't seem to be able to figure out that their immune is weak against our Earth's atmosphere ... That's kinda hard to swallow isn't it ? It's a choking hazard.

This movie contains a lot of major flaws. And that's the problem with it. No doubt that it has plenty of CG effects and some good drama as well, but... it's the contradicting plot that actually spoilt it. I'd say don't waste the money, get a pDVD (Pirated DVD) or download it off the net.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Wedding

I walked from the crowded car park towards the restaurant building. There were no stars up on the sky that night. The only thing the shone brightly that night were the lonely street lights... and the blinking bunch of 100 watt bulbs of the restaurant's neon board.

I promptly took out my handkerchief to wipe off the sweat accumulated on my forehead -- the long sleeved D&G shirt was too hot for me. Then, I suddenly stopped. Right before the carpet with a big "Welcome" word on it.

My leg went numb. Paralyzed. Vegetabled. I can't bring myself to walk pass that evil looking piece of carpet. I stood there ... felt like a spastic. Do I really want to go in there? Do I really want to make myself look like a fool? And for the 5th millionth time, my heart assured me that it would be just another banquet that I've attended many times before.

I took a deep breath, and waltzed towards the banquet, with the envelope in my hand. There's a female reception right at the entrance, registering guests and collecting gifts. I recognized that face. It's her moron cousin, Chu-La. Other than her Sophia Loren looks, there's nothing impressive about that Chu-La. I passed her the envelope and a big red packet with a congratulatory wish on it.

But I did not put money in the red packet as I always did on a typical Chinese wedding banquet. Instead, I put in some pamphlets, brochures & leaflets alike... that had been spamming my letterbox for the past 2 weeks. Serves her right for leaving me anyway.

I slowly walked through the happy guests at her wedding banquet. My emotion was mingled with both hatred and nostalgia as I walked. I felt as if I've lost my ground to stand on ... as if I've lost a reason to live. I felt like I've been robbed of my trust... dignity... and the precious feelings that I've generously shared.

In the midst of my melancholic drift ... I stumbled onto a folded carpet which sent me airborne. I landed hard onto the floor but luckily, no complications of any sort, albeit some pain on my collarbone.

The embarrassing situation attracted some attention from the main table - to which, I saw someone very beautiful walked over to me. It was her.
"Are you alright.. john?"
"I'm ok ... physically. But mentally, I'm scarred for life"
"Oh... don't say that john. It's fate."
"Fate your bucket head. You left me"
"Ok ... I left you .. but you should have move on already"
"U brought it up first."
"Ok .. [smacks head]. I'm glad that you came to my wedding tonight"
"....."
"And you looked good in this D&G shirt I bought u .."
"Yeah.. I felt cool in it..." [wipes sweat from forehead again]

I don't know why I did not berate her out of my emotional breakdown at that very moment. Maybe she looked too drop dead gorgeous in her evening gown -- and deceived me from treating her like a tramp. I then stretch out my hand and offered her a congratulatory wish and left the banquet, without settling down for the banquet dinner .... because......

....... the food looked really lousy and cheesy. I lost my appetite by just looking at the food.
I proceeded to the nearby 24-hour fast food outlet for some serious hoovering ... and start my life anew.


THE END
*nothing interesting in my life to blog lately, so, I made up one. If it's not that obvious to you yet, this story is just a flex of my imagination - it's fictional. Let me know if it's shitty.


Sunday, July 03, 2005

NEW DRIVING TEST

*another forwarded email - don't grumble*

In view of our peculiar driving habits, the authorities may be introducing a more realistic driving test. See how you fare in the new Kurikulum Pendidikan Pemandu - Ujian Komputer Bahagian 1:

1. Apakah huruf dan nombor yang tertera berikut?

A) PEN15
B) PEN 15
C) PEN 1S
D) PENIS


2. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai tanda ini:

A) Kawasan menternak rusa
B) Kawasan kereta Perodua dibenarkan
C) Kawasan Restoran Cina
D) Lintasan binatang liar

3. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai tanda ini:

A) Dilarang menggunakan video cam
B) Dilarang membunyikan hon
C) Dilarang menjual roti
D) Dilarang bermain trumpet

4. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai tanda ini:

A) Jalan rosak
B) Jalan licin
C) Jalan tidak rata
D) Jalan Telawi 3, Bangsar

5. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai tanda ini:

A) A cup
B) B cup
C) C cup
D) D cup

6. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai warna ini:

A) Berhenti
B) Jalan Alor
C) Bendera Jepun
D) Tekan minyak

7. Pilih kenyataan yang BETUL mengenai tanda ini:

A) Jalan sedang dibaiki
B) Jalan sedang dikorek
C) Sediakan payung sebelum hujan
D) Payung sedang dibaiki

8. Tali pinggang keledar hendaklah dipasang:

A) Apabila menemui roadblock
B) Ketika roadblock
C) Ketika kemalangan
D) Apabila memotong kenderaan bas

9. Apakah jarak yang selamat apabila mengekori kenderaan di hadapan pada kelajuan 110km/j?

A) 11 mm
B) 11 cm
C) 1.1 meter
D) 11 meter

10. Sekiranya anda mengantuk semasa memandu anda hendaklah:

A) Memasang muzik Kenny G
B) Tidur
C) Hisap rokok
D) Guna shortcut

THE NAKED CARD

*another forwarded email*

The multi-purpose MyKad is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library. However, a recent experience by a holder brought to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Rumah Attap. May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Dhaljeet Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Awan Hitam, off Jalan Ipoh. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir? Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the MyKad system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is 99.99 Ringgit..."

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your ban 6720.55 Ringgit since October last year"

Customer: "Mera Lund Choong..." [Translation]

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: "Kuti!" [Translation]

Operator : "According to the details in your MyKad, you own a Comel Scooter, ...registration number WOB 1123..."

Customer: "Tera peh thenoo picheyo kush karda hunda!" [Translation]

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Are You Malaysian??

*forwarded mail*

There were several cases of foreigners caught with fake Malaysian passports and MyKads recently. No matter how hard the impostors try, there are some things only a true Malaysian will know. Complete this quiz and check your answers below...

1. What do Malaysians usually do while waiting for traffic lights to turn green?
A) Dig nose
B) Rev engine
C) Send SMS
D) Drive through

2. What is Pew Jeok?
A) A French car
B) A Nyonya dish
C) A Hakka exclamation
D) Damaged church bench in Hokkien

3. Malaysia is now officially the world's No 1 producer of
A) Palm oil
B) Pirated software
C) Rubber gloves & condoms
D) Room air-conditioners

4. How do Malaysians know their tyre pressure is low?
A) When they pump their tyres
B) When the steering wheel gets heavy
C) When they kick the tyres
D) When overtaking motorists point, shout & honk

5. Which pair is the odd one out?
A) Rojak man & cendol man
B) VCD peddlers & foodcourts
C) MSC & broadband
D) Football & betting

6. Taman Segar in Cheras is named after?
A) Datuk Segar Kumaran
B) Segaran Sinarajoo
C) Sega Games
D) Fresh air & sunshine

7. Which is cheapest?
A) KL to KLIA by taxi
B) KL to Phuket by air
C) KL to Putrajaya by taxi
D) KL to Singapore by train

8. Where is Kampung New Zealand?
A) Penang
B) Pahang
C) Auckland
D) Selangor

9. What is LickMyKoTeh?
A) A vulgar word
B) A Chinese pop group
C) Mamak shouting Horlicks, Milo, Kopi & Teh
D) A new brand of Tongkat Ali tea

10. Which is our most successful population control initiative?
A) Introducing express buses
B) Promoting simultaneous consumption of durian & stout
C) Abolishing road tax for smaller motorcycles
D) Allowing condom print ads

Turn pc screen upside down for answers >